Just knock me out

I don’t drink and I don’t normally do drugs. Yay me! Having said that, there are a few instances where I’ve gladly taken prescription narcotics. These include surgery, accidents, and MRIs. Yes, you say, but now they have the open Magnetic Resonance Imaging where they don’t have to cram you into an oversized toilet paper tube.

It’s true that your lower body sticks out in the open, but your head is still inches from the walls. Since my face, through which I breathe and see is attached to my head, I can hardly not notice the proximity of my nose to 1,000 pounds of oversized donut. Add to that the fact that I have a rather generous size noggin, and you get the real fear that it will take two crowbars, a winch, and a pound of chicken fat to pry me back out.

I have a very high tolerance for narcotics, and a very low tolerance for stuff up against my face, so I’m always careful to tell the doctors to make mine a double. Years ago, they failed to believe me, and I woke up in the middle of a surgical procedure. I yelled “Get it off me. I can’t breathe.” as I batted at the mask, all the while there were various surgical instruments sticking out of my neck. I need to seriously examine my priorities.

Since I stopped drinking, I haven’t felt the need to strip naked in the car on the way home from the office Christmas party. Good times. I haven’t done a face plant in my dinner plate while playing host to a table full of Canadian dignitaries. Trust me, it’s hard to be the gracious hostess with mashed potatoes up your nose.

Yes, that actually happened.

I had natural childbirth when I delivered both of my kids, while my Mom was taking hits of ether when she pooped me out. That probably explains a lot. I was feeling no pain when the doctor slapped me on the butt.

Hemingway may have been able to write The Old Man and the Sea while totally hammered, but when I’m drunk, I type a page full of nothing but semi colons. This does not make for classic literature.

So Wednesday when I go in for my MRI, I’m going to bite the bullet and refuse their offer of a handful of valium. I’ll just hum the theme song from Rocky quietly in my head. My dignity is at stake. Besides, they don’t have a bar that I can dance on.

11 thoughts on “Just knock me out

  1. This made me laugh out loud. I am a cancer survivor and have endured all sorts of medical indignities (like having every resident and custodian in the hospital present in the room for a breast exam), but the worst – the very worst – was when I had to undergo an MRI for a back problem a few years ago. I went in (literally) without any preconceived notions, but almost died when shoved into the machine. The only way I kept from panicking was by concentrating on the Starbucks I was going to buy myself when I emerged (you can tell I’m a sophisticated city-type of gal). BTW, “open MRIs” are not as effective as the closed type. Just sayin’. Love ya Karla!

  2. I had a MRI last fall but in one of those full tunnel deals. Not a picnic. I haven’t quit drinking or accepting valium, but they didn’t offer me either at the MRI party. There was a large foreboding woman there (the technician I’m guessing) who looked like she wanted to use scary metal devices on me. She had a crazed, hungry, bloody look in her eyes. (sorry, don’t mean to scare you) I even blogged about her. She stayed in my nightmares a couple weeks. Her presence is probably what helped me through the ordeal, as I was more frightened of her than the machine.
    Just wanted to share. Hope everything is well with your MRI, Karla.
    Terri

  3. I feel your pain. I am in treatment for The Big C and have been introduced to MRI scans, among many others. Guess the old putting a cloth over your eyes trick won’t work, huh? I count backward from 1000. Hey, good for you on the drinking reform.

  4. Thanks all for the encouragement. I’ll try the counting backwards, Nan. As for the drinking, I’m good enough at making a fool of myself without the alcohol.

  5. I’m feeling bad for ya, hon…

    I can honestly say that I’ve never had one of those done, and, since I’m not really claustrophobic, I might be ok. I think my hardest part would be to lay still. Plus, I think I could find other, more useful things to do with my time, then to lay still for God-only-knows how long.

    I know you’ll do fine…but, if I were you, I’d go for the meds…

    That’s coming from a nurse…just sayin’.

  6. Is that your dog :-) Whoot!

    Thanks for the giggles. This social networking stuff was starting to get me down–a form of Internet narcotic…

    Do let us know how the MRI session unfolds.

  7. I had to have a brain and back mri last year…I feel for ya! Clostraphobia and oversized toilet paper tubes don’t mix well!!

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