No salt, no fat, no taste

Short term memory loss is one of the first indications of impaired brain function due to aging. Recent studies have linked belly fat in your 40’s to a higher rate of dementia as early as your 60’s. My grandmother lived to be 92 and was sharp as a tack to the end. My great grandmother spent her final years in restraints, screaming non-stop. The difference: before great-grandma shrank down to skin and bones, she did her clothes shopping in the “husky” section of the dry goods store. On the other hand, my grandmother was always average size. Since my anecdotal evidence totally supports the scientific findings, I think we can agree that overweight Americans are mentally doomed.

Since the introduction of margarine in 1910 the death rate from heart attack in the U.S. has increased from 3,000 in 1930 to half a million in 1960. Since free radicals are also swimming in trans-fat (they prefer the breast stroke), anti-aging experts agree that if you eat chocolate éclairs or cheesecake and survive to old age, your heart may be beating the odds, but the free radicals will leave you looking like Chloris Leachman on a good day.

At a relatively early age, my blood pressure started going up. I had followed in my mother’s footsteps when cooking, which necessitated buying a salt mine to make one meatloaf. Since salt was destined to melt my neurons down faster than Chernobyl, I faced the choice between flavor and both halves of my brain functioning. My family is already questioning my brain function, so I can’t afford to lose any more gray matter. It would be pretty embarrassing to have a stroke and nobody notices a difference.

Breakfast cereal

Going from a high salt diet to a low salt diet was quite a shock to my taste buds. I decided that it was definitely a good time for some self-pity. Low fat dieters have fat-free foods available that increase their salt content to masquerade as real food. Low sodium dieters have a choice of bland or blander. Most prepared foods are high in salt, so forget about my specialty: boxed macaroni and cheese.

For those who have both high blood pressure and high cholesterol, prepare for a diet of plain oatmeal and styrofoam packing peanuts. You’ll live longer, but why would you want to?

15 thoughts on “No salt, no fat, no taste

  1. Fortunately, when I was in my 20s and pregnant for the first time, my doctor insisted that I cut out salt. Being eager to do everything right and have a healthy baby, I did as I was told. As a result, I never add salt to my food, although I have eatern prepared foods in the past. Now the doctor told my husband to cut out salt, and at 70 years old, he’s finding it difficult. We have cut out almost all prepared foods, and he uses less salt than he did, but still can’t cut out using it completely, so I understand what you are saying. Salt-free and low sodium canned soups are the worst. They are totally tasteless!

  2. I’ve lost and gained back the same 80lbs for years…and, I’ll probably do it again…and again…
    As for Americans, Canadians are in the same boat…were all fat…

  3. Not to sound my narcissistic self, but did you write this blog to warn me against my rotundness? I beg your pardon, but I hardly ever use salt, thank you very much. It’s the Double Double’s from In and Out Burger that are killing me. And the free margaritas all over this freaking city. And the nachos. And I’ll stop now because I’m just getting hungry.
    All joking aside, I’ve been very successful losing over half of the hundred I set out to lose some months ago. These last 40 or so are proving to be a real challenge, though. I’m having to incorporate more exercise into my regime, and I seriously hate any kind of extra bodily movement that doesn’t end up at Dairy Queen or orgasm.
    But, again, I digress.

  4. I think this one sentence so clearly epitomizes your type of humor–more than anything I’ve read yet ( but, oh, so characteristic of your neuronally-challenged brain :-)

    “It would be pretty embarrassing to have a stroke and nobody notices a difference.”

  5. 1Lisas father took a CPR class. The “Resusci Annie” doll was arm & legless. Dad knelt over the body, shook it as instructed and said, “I can save you, but is it really worth it?” Sodium enriched minds think alike.
    Pass the evil white dust.

  6. Ah – you’re killing me. That was hilarious. However. I know of what you speaketh of. Low-sodium shit is god-awful. I just cannot even stand it. Low-sodium soup is the worst. But candy is still good, right?

  7. Oatmeal requires a healthy amount of sugar, brown sugar, or maple syrup to be edible. Or all three.

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